Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son, “Gary,” 8, has a friend, “Kenny,” who is the same age and lives down the block.
The problem is that Kenny is around ALL. THE. TIME. when they aren’t in school. It’s like he thinks he lives here. He’s not rude and is well-behaved, but it would be nice not to have a third kid (I have a 5-year-old daughter as well) always around. His parents are divorced, and his mom is at work a lot, but I think she is trying to use us for free child care.
I would like to speak with her, but I can hardly ever get hold of her. On those rare occasions that I have, she says she’s trying her best, but her hours are crazy. My husband thinks I’m making too big a deal of this and that we are really helping Kenny out by giving him a safe place to be. Is it too much to ask for some family time that doesn’t include him?
—Involuntary Babysitter
Dear Involuntary Babysitter,
Hmmm, so I can’t tell you how to feel, and I want to respect your feelings because being a parent is a lot of work! I understand that not everyone wants to take on extra childcare responsibilities and any added stress. But, as a huge believer in community and someone who thinks that the adage “it takes a village to raise a child” is something to live by, I encourage you to reframe your thinking about the situation.
Kenny sees you and your family as a safe space—people and a home that welcomes him when his mother is off working. To be so trusted is truly an honor. It also doesn’t seem as if his mom is deliberately taking advantage of your kindness. To me, it sounds like she’s trying to navigate her own circumstances and might not have realized you see it as such an inconvenience.
Here’s what I suggest: Are there certain times that are better for Kenny to come over than others? Tell him he’s welcome to come over on certain days, but mention that others don’t work for the family. Saying this ahead of time gives his mom time to know that you aren’t available and to find alternative care. Hopefully, this will make it so Kenny’s visits are less likely to be sprung on you without warning.
But, again, I do think seeing Kenny’s trust in your family as a privilege can be helpful. It’s hard work building a home so loving that other people’s kids view it as their home, too! It shows you and your husband have good hearts and that you’re raising kids who have the same.
—Arionne
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