Editor’s Note
The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a staff member in Mustang News. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
There are lots of opportunities on our campus that you should take advantage of to get the full Cal Poly student experience and because we pay hella fees. One of these expenses is a mandatory fee that contributes to the Rec Center, which in my mind means mandatory gains.
Open 6 a.m. to midnight during the week and 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. on the weekends, the Rec Center is full of life, sweat and self-administered hormones nearly around the clock. But being a gym bro is more than literally going to the gym.
You need to dedicate all your limited brain power to this lifestyle. If you’re not convinced to enter the gates of gains, read below for some reasons and tips to get you there.
It’s not gay if it’s in the gym
Now, you may be ashamed of your browser history. But in the gym, there is no shame in staring at bulging biceps and glutes. It’s okay if you’re imagining your bros naked within these four walls because it’s in the name of physique inspiration.
Rock-hard willpower
If you want rock-hard abs, you need to put in the work. It all starts in the kitchen, which you should largely stay away from. Chicken and rice is no joking matter, and maybe throw in some Zyns for the mood swings.
No luck on the dating apps?
If you’re embarrassed by that muscle in your pants or if your height starts with a five, you can compensate by lifting seven days a week. Instead of working on your personality or insecurities in therapy, just walk on over to the shoulder press.
At the gym, you could be top dog
In this woke world, women and the gays are taking over spaces like no other. But, at the gym, straight men still have the opportunity to really be themselves. Make the most of this sacred space by being loud and exclusive.
Put down the coke and pick up the creatine
Along with muscle growth, studies have shown that creatine consumption can help with brain fatigue and general intelligence… some of you definitely need that, I fear. So put down the cocaine and start doing lines of creatine.
With all the beer you drink…
To work off all those afternoon beers, evening beers, shower beers, pregame beers, postgame beers, sober beers, drunk beers and regular beers, you need to do something with all those calories. The gym balances out all of your weekend or weekday debauchery.
Get wet even if CA is in a drought
Being a gym bro means you get to sweat all your problems away and add some moisture to the water cycle. From sweat marks left on benches to dripping basketballs, there is plenty of sweat to go around.
Bacne is hot
Don’t shower after your lift, or you’ll miss out on having pimples take over your back. These red dots are important to show your commitment to the gym and help you get your first tren allegation.
This story originally appeared in the October print edition of Mustang News. Check out more from the edition at news stands around campus and San Luis Obispo.
For more stories from the October print edition check out the featured print section on our website or the full issue.