As a clinical psychologist, I often have to caution clients to examine the sparks that they feel for a new romantic prospect.
You want to be excited about someone new and feel a deep connection to them. But many of us carry old wounds from our childhood, previous relationships, or formative experiences.
If your past was chaotic, inconsistent, and confusing, then you may be drawn to those same relationship dynamics again and again. Here are five signs that the chemistry you feel might actually be a red flag.
1. The relationship makes you feel on edge
In your past, if someone made you feel loved but also anxious, your nervous system learned that loving and fearing the same person was okay.
Mixed signals, hot and cold affection, and inconsistency can then feel intimate rather than anxiety-inducing. Excitement and anxiety are closely related emotions, so you feel on edge, but mistake this feeling for excitement and chemistry.
What to do: Slow down and notice how your body feels around this person. Does your nervous system settle when you are around them or are you always on edge? If it’s the latter, that may be a signal that the feeling you have isn’t chemistry, and that this person makes you feel unsafe.
2. The highs and lows feel addictive
The emotional rollercoaster when someone pulls away and the relief when they come close again can feel like a spark, especially if you had relationship dynamics like that in the past.
When you are stressed, your body releases hormones such as cortisol, which activates reward and addiction pathways in your brain.
As a result, you may unconsciously chase that stress, conflict, unpredictability, and intensity because it gives your body a hit of the feel-good chemicals that it craves.
What to do: Your body needs to learn how to slow down and feel safe again. This can look like stretching, breathwork, meditation, nature walks, and decreasing your workload.
3. You keep going back to them
Being drawn to someone doesn’t always mean the chemistry is good. You may be unconsciously trying to gain mastery over an old wound by reenacting the pain.
You believe that you can make it right this time. You might also recreate painful dynamics that mirror your past because you can predict what happens, and this gives you a false sense of control.
What to do: Self-reflection is important here. Does this person remind you of something from your past? Therapy can provide you with a safe space to unpack your history.
4. Jealousy feels exciting
When your partner is jealous, it may feel validating to be “wanted” by someone. If it feels exciting when your partner is jealous, this isn’t chemistry — it is your insecurity rearing its head.
You might even do something on purpose to trigger their jealousy in order to feel closer to them or make them “prove” to you that you are wanted. In your mind, this might sound like, “If they choose me, then I’m finally good enough,” or, “If they chase me, it means they love me enough.”
What to do: Work on yourself so your validation comes from within, not from other people. Remember who you are outside of the context of this relationship, and that you are already more than enough.
5. Things are never calm
Steady connection should feel grounding and safe. But if your nervous system is used to chaos, calm can feel boring, and even uncomfortable.
You may catch yourself thinking there’s no spark, and then chase the next thrill by creating tension, initiating conflict, or even leaving the relationship. If you feel safe, and you aren’t used to that, in your mind, this might sound like, “If I feel safe, I’ll let my guard down but then I’ll get hurt.”
The lack of spark doesn’t mean there isn’t chemistry. It might just mean there isn’t anxiety.
What to do: Teach your body that it’s okay to feel calm. When you feel like you want to create conflict or chase a thrill, stop and notice that. Then practice doing the opposite of what your urges are, and waiting for them to pass.
Noticing patterns in your relationships is a great first step. Of course, you should always consult with your physician or therapist before making significant changes. Understanding how to slow down and process your past can help you relearn what safety and consistency feel like.
Dr. Amy Tran is a clinical psychologist. Her PhD in child and adolescent psychology informs her work on attachment, relationships, and emotional safety. She is a digital artist and author of “This Book is a Safe Space.” Follow her on Instagram.
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