I hope the title of this column makes at least a few people do a double take! It isn’t every day, after all, that you hear words of praise directed at single women.
Perhaps you’re one of those who recently viewed that perennial holiday favorite, It’s a Wonderful Life. If so, you’ll recall the scene in which angel-in-training, Clarence, shows George Bailey, Jimmy Stewart’s character, what things would be like had he never been born. They come across Mary (played by Donna Reed), George’s devoted wife, except . . . in this version of life minus George Bailey, she never marries. She scurries away like a frightened mouse when approached by George, while Clarence then informs him that Mary is an “Old Maid,” his tone making it clear that this is the worst fate that could befall any woman. Now, given the fact that this film came out in 1945, we can surely assume that attitudes have changed over the last 80 years; and they have. Somewhat.
In a 2022 article in Psychology Today, the term “singlism” was explained: the stereotyping, stigmatization and discrimination against people who are not married. The article goes on to say that “unlike other groups of minorities, singles are often not protected in any way from prejudice, most frequently because singlism is not recognized as prejudice. Being married and not wanting to be single are two assumptions so heavily normalized that individuals guilty of singlism are not aware of the fact that they are inflicting prejudice on others.”
Not having married until later in life, I can testify to the numerous false assumptions people make about singles – particularly about women, and particularly about women who have never married as opposed to widows and divorcees. In one study, 1,000 undergraduate students were asked to list characteristics they associated with married and single individuals. Compared to single people, married individuals were more likely to be described positively; being referred to as happy, kind, honest and loving. Conversely, singles were perceived to be immature, insecure, self-centered, unhappy and lonely.
Of course, these studies and the term “singlism” include single men as well as women. However, in my admittedly non-scientific opinion, women who never marry fare significantly worse than their male counterparts in how society perceives them. We still hear the term “old maid,” which is definitely a pejorative (and yes, you can still buy the Old Maid card game), but there is no corresponding term for a male who has never married. We do, however, have the “swinging bachelor,” who lives in a “bachelor pad,” which implies a carefree lifestyle, so unlike the poor old maid with her rocking chair and her cats!
Traditionally, women have played a major role in their faith traditions, despite often being denied full participation because of their gender. This, of course, includes married women but, I daresay that single women have made contributions to their religions that far outweigh their numbers. A prime example is that of the Catholic Sisters, who continue to be such a force for good in their communities. Whatever your faith, however, I’m guessing you don’t have to look hard to find single women who’ve made major contributions to it.
In the Baha’i faith, my religion, everyone knows the name of Martha Root, who has been called the foremost teacher of the first Baha’i Century. She was born in Ohio in 1872 and raised in Pennsylvania. Always a studious child, she went on to attend Oberlin College and then earned a degree in literature from the University of Chicago. That alone was unusual for a woman of her time. However, when she heard about the Baha’i Faith and then declared her belief in it in 1909, she immediately embarked on teaching trips, meeting with both everyday citizens and heads of state. She introduced the Baha’i teachings to Queen Marie of Romania, the first monarch to embrace them. Martha, a single, small and unassuming woman, circled the world four times from 1909 until her death some 30 years later. In those latter years, she was often in pain from the cancer that would finally claim her life. Had she chosen to marry and have a family, I’ve no doubt that she would have made outstanding contributions to our faith; her single status, though, afforded her the ability to travel the world and become the revered figure she is today.
I’m not advocating a single lifestyle for most people. In fact, Baha’i scripture tells us that marriage can be a “fortress for well-being and salvation,” and it is encouraged for most of us. What I am advocating for is the acknowledgement of the many contributions single people, particularly women, have made to the betterment of the world and for the recognition that every individual, regardless of marital status, is worthy of respect.
Nancy Flood-Golembeck is a retired teacher and longtime member of the Baha’i faith. In addition to serving on the local Baha’i governing body, she is currently writing a memoir.