DEAR HARRIETTE: I wanted to offer another option to “Overweight,” the woman hurt by her brother’s comments about her post-pregnancy weight. Could she not go a step further and ask him to babysit for an hour or two a few times a week, so she can have time to herself, to sleep or cook or exercise? Or could he contribute to a healthy meal delivery subscription? I feel if one points out a problem, one must be willing to be part of the solution. — All Is Well
DEAR ALL IS WELL: You and several other readers suggested that the brother should offer to babysit for his sister. Great idea. Stop criticizing and start helping! To all of the family members who think they are being helpful when they share their opinions about new mothers’ bodies, generally speaking, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I’d like to offer a response to your advice to “Overweight”: I would like to encourage you, Harriette, to deliver a stronger response to those commenting on women’s bodies. You mentioned that Overweight’s brother “did not choose his words well.” I would argue that he egregiously overstepped in saying any of those words at all.
Women’s bodies are policed every day from multiple directions from the moment we’re born. It is insidious; we are made to believe that our bodies must be of a certain shape, size, color and ability in order to be valid — or to be considered human. One way we experience this is that we equate fatness with unhealthiness, which is simply not the case. I suggest exploring academic research on the topic, like the article “A Matter of Justice: ‘Fat’ Is Not Necessarily a Bad Word” by Lauren Freeman, printed in the September 2020 Hastings Center Report.
Instead of suggesting ways that Overweight can ask for help from her brother to walk or “shed the extra pounds,” perhaps you could suggest that she tell her brother that her body is none of his business. Perhaps you could tell her that she is doing the extraordinary, that she deserves rest and infinite respect and that her body is strong and sincerely beautiful exactly as it is. Perhaps you can remind her that if her brother wants to insert himself, he can contribute to the unpaid labor of caring for his new family member.
And I would like to offer to you, Harriette, that you were beautiful and strong and exactly what you were supposed to be after your child was born, too. — Call Her Overburdened Instead
DEAR CALL HER OVERBURDENED INSTEAD: So many of you commented on Overweight, I decided to share more perspectives. There are many valid points made here. Women are hyper-criticized about our bodies, and it can and often does take time to heal and get to a stable place physically and emotionally after having a baby. Thank you for the compassion and protection that you clearly articulate in this letter.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.