Dear Eric: My husband who used to be active and social, has fallen into a funk. This has been going on for some time. He just sits all day and watches TV or is on his computer. I believe him to also be an alcoholic. He will pour a drink in the morning and drink all day. And for no reason his attitude changes – yelling for no reason and calling me names. I retired a year and a half ago and since then have become a housewife who pretty much does everything. He won’t seek help. I have talked with a counselor to keep myself “sane.” Any advice would be helpful.
– Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of
Dear Tired: It’s good that you’re talking to a counselor. Your husband’s struggle with alcohol and his mood can bring you down, too. It’s likely that it’s already happening.
Work with your counselor and/or a trusted friend or loved one on a plan to put some distance between what’s happening with your husband and yourself. This doesn’t have to be divorce or separation, if that’s not something you’re willing to consider right now. But for your peace of mind, your quality of life and your safety, it will help you to be out of the orbit of his booze-influenced behavior.
You shouldn’t have to do everything around the house if you don’t want to. And it’s unacceptable for him to yell at you or call you names. This is emotional abuse. One of the reasons it’s important to put together a plan is so that you can be protected from this abuse and any escalation of his behavior.
Also, please look into groups like Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery, which can help you navigate this living arrangement and the hard feelings you’re managing.
Once you have a plan in place, tell him that this situation is not acceptable to you, a number of things need to change, and that if he won’t seek help, you can’t keep going as you have. It may help to have a friend or loved one with you for this conversation.
You’re in a dangerous situation and your husband has already refused to address the root issue. So, you have to do what you can to protect yourself and to help him to help himself.
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