— WATD 95.9 News & Talk Radio, South Shore Massachusetts
Love Bites is a weekly segment on The South Shore’s Morning News with lifestyle coach Francesca Luca. You can listen for advice every Wednesday morning at 9:10. The Francesca Luca Show airs every Wednesday evening between 8 and 9pm.
Some questions I get for Love Bites make me tilt my head and go, “Wait… what?”
Here’s one:
“I’ve been seeing ‘Sarah’ for about a year. We have fun, we get along, we even have an intimate relationship. But here’s the truth—I’m not attracted to her. I thought the spark might eventually show up, but it hasn’t. I care for her deeply, and she’s definitely attracted to me. I don’t want to break up—so please don’t tell me to. Can a relationship really work without chemistry?”
Let’s unpack this.
First things first…
You’re not attracted to her—but you’re still having sex—and she thinks you are attracted to her? That’s not just an awkward situation, that’s emotional quicksand.
But since you brought up chemistry, let’s break it down.
The Four Kinds of Chemistry
1. Physical
That can’t-help-myself magnetic pull. You see them, and your brain short-circuits in the best way possible. Without at least some of this, intimacy feels more like an obligation than something you look forward to.
2. Emotional
It’s the “I can tell you anything” vibe. You feel safe, understood, and completely yourself. This is what gets couples through the tough seasons when the physical side takes a dip.
3. Intellectual
You can talk for hours without getting bored. You challenge each other, you’re curious about each other’s opinions, and you make each other think.
4. Lifestyle & Values
Your visions for life actually align. You want the same big-picture things, which means fewer blow-ups over the “how we live” stuff.
Why Chemistry Matters
A relationship doesn’t need all four types in full force, but if you’re missing both physical and emotional chemistry? You’re looking at more of a friendship than a romance.
The healthiest relationships usually have:
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Enough spark to keep the attraction alive.
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Enough compatibility to keep the drama low.
Think “steady campfire” instead of “fireworks that disappear after ten seconds.”
The Chemistry Trap
Sometimes, intense chemistry feels amazing—but it’s not always a good sign.
The brain trick: Dopamine, oxytocin, and all those feel-good chemicals can cloud your judgment. That adrenaline rush? Not the same thing as love.
The trauma bond: If chaos or emotional highs and lows are familiar from your past, extreme chemistry can feel like home—when really, it’s your nervous system chasing old wounds.
The crash-and-burn: Pure passion with no shared values burns hot… until life throws stress, bills, or family drama your way. Then it fizzles.
Bottom line
Can a relationship function without chemistry? Technically, yes—if you’ve got strong friendship, respect, and shared goals. But if you’re looking for a romantic, passionate connection… you’re going to need at least some spark.
And if you know there’s no spark now, after a year? It’s time to stop pretending it’s going to magically appear.
Listen:
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