Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
Last month, a couple moved in across the street from my wife and me. The trouble is, they are nudists and have no compunction about going about their daily routines in the buff. Well, my daughter came over to return her mom’s casserole pan on a day when the husband was mowing his lawn in all his glory. When I explained their lifestyle, she said that as long as they were living there, she wouldn’t be bringing her kids over (she has two girls, ages 4 and 2).
Trying to speak to my neighbors about the issue proved unproductive. When I asked if they could refrain from making themselves visible when she and the kids came over, they took offense and said it was their property and they were free to do as they pleased. I checked with my city’s ordinances, and my neighbors are violating city code if they are naked in a place where they can be seen by children. I would prefer not to have to report them, but my wife has mobility issues, so going over to my daughter’s place to visit our grandkids presents a challenge. What would you recommend?
—Would Covering Up for a Few Hours Be So Bad?
Dear So Bad,
You should be able to have your grandkids over at your house without fretting that they’ll see a bare butt from the window. You already tried politely asking your neighbor to cover up. I would write them a letter asking once more for a compromise, making clear that you’re not hostile to their lifestyle in general while also firmly pointing out the city code. If that doesn’t put a stop to the naked yard work within a week, go ahead and file a report.
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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have a beautiful estate, and my daughter would like to have her wedding reception there. The problem is that she is marrying into a family of uncouth louts, and I’m worried about what they will do to my lovely home. My daughter has her heart set on this as she grew up here. Must we indulge her?
—Worried About the Wrecking Crew
Dear Worried,
Yes, you must indulge her! I mean obviously you can do whatever you want with your property. But I think you’re actually asking if saying, “Honey, sorry, the family you’re marrying into isn’t good enough or wealthy enough or classy enough to be here, so how about a destination wedding,” would lead to problems. Yes, yes, it would!
Come on. Host the reception. This is one of the best possible uses of a beautiful estate, and a really nice thing to do for your daughter. You don’t want to give up on playing a big part in a day that has potential to be a top contender for the emotional montage that plays in your head at the end of your life when you’re suddenly feeling clear that all that mattered was time with your loved ones and being judgy was a waste of energy.
And honestly, what exactly do you think the “uncouth louts” are going to do to your property? Spill a drink there and there? Dance with your lampshades on their heads? It sounds like you have plenty of money, so how about this: Hire some people (they can wear the same uniforms as the caterers) to stand around and protect any particularly delicate parts of the garden or pieces of art.
But that’s the easy part. Your more difficult assignment is to never, ever let on that you look down on your in-law’s family. If anyone finds out that you think so little of these people, it’s going to create distance between you and your daughter, which will make you feel terrible. It could even turn into not having the relationship you want with your future grandchildren, tension around holidays and vacations, and the kinds of hurt feelings and choosing sides that damage so many families. Take it from someone who gets letters about this stuff all the time.
Listen closely to what I’m about to tell you: I don’t care if you have to take an acting class to make this happen, but you need to pretend to really enjoy—not just tolerate, but like and maybe even love—the uncouths. Forever. And a great time to start is the wedding reception. Push yourself to not just tolerate them, but to try to have fun with them. Loosen up. Follow their lead. You might find that, especially compared to family estrangement, having bad manners isn’t the worst thing in the world.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!
Dear Prudence,
My mother-in-law is amazing, and I love her a lot. We work in the same sector and are both involved in LGBTQIA+ activism, so we have much to talk about. However, MIL cannot participate in conversation; she can only engage in (lengthy) monologues. Over the years, my frustration about this has grown. I have discussed this with her, and she explained that she is on the autism spectrum and does not respond to non-verbal cues. She does not mind at all if I interrupt her. However, I hate doing this. I want to talk to her, so I interrupt her, but this takes a lot of energy, and I often feel drained when I spend extended time with her.
When we visit her, this is not a big issue, as we can leave when I feel overstimulated. She normally visits us a couple of times a year and then stays in our small apartment. We have a guest room, but she always stays in the common area until I go to bed and talks at me ALL THE TIME, without pause. I usually drink more alcohol than I normally would to cope with the verbal onslaught. My husband and I both spend one evening with her, as we cannot take two nights in a row.
I asked my husband to decline her last two requests to visit because I’ve been going through a stressful period at work, and I need my rest. But our kids are her only grandkids, and we live too far away for her to visit for the day. Our city is too expensive for her to use a hotel or AirBnb. I feel conflicted because I want to spend more time with her myself, and I want to give her the opportunity to spend time with our kids and my husband, her only child. She has had a hard life, and part of her monologues are repeated accounts of past trauma.
Even though I sympathize with her, I also feel hurt. It seems listening to herself talk and repeat herself is more important to her than actually hearing how we are doing. She never asks me or my husband questions. Now that she has recently retired, she keeps asking to come and “help” us with the kids. But we have child care sorted. When she visits, we take the kids out of the after-school program so she can spend time with them. We still have to pay for their place, so it does not help at all. Normally, I only try to change my behavior when I encounter a problem, instead of trying to change somebody else’s. But I don’t see how I can change and keep hosting her at our house without going stark raving bonkers or drinking copiously.
—Can I Teach an Old Dog New Tricks
Dear New Tricks,
This is normally the kind of letter that would lead readers to read between the lines and write to me saying “The mother-in-law is clearly on the spectrum!” But she’s actually told you she is. I think that’s great. You’ve also talked about this with her before, so there’s no awkwardness there. That’s great, too! The thing to do as loving family member (and I can tell that you really do love her!) is to walk through the door she’s opened for you and propose a solution. How about a code word that you use when you need a break from conversation? Or telling her you love talking to her but need some quiet time to decompress in the evenings and will be excusing yourself to take a bath and read a book after dinner?
If you really feel uncomfortable addressing her excessive talking head-on, you can also suggest changing the structure of her visits, by lettering her know that instead of pulling the kids from their after-school program, you’d like for her to watch them for a few hours in the evening while you and your husband step out for a while (or just go to another room!). Or what if you just go out and do something else for half of the nights that she’s there? I realize this might be disruptive to your family’s routine, but it’s less disruptive than being miserable and drinking yourself into oblivion.
Classic Prudie
My wife and I recently made the difficult decision to put our dog Luna down. We adopted her from a shelter during the worst of COVID. Within a couple of months, it was clear that the information they had given us about her was euphemistic at best, and outright dishonest at worst. Luna could be a normal, nice dog at times, but she had serious issues with aggression toward all other dogs and many humans. We tried very hard for over a year to make things work with her, at great financial and mental cost. My sister, Amanda, is appalled that we did this.