I recently turned 40 and I feel that everything is coming to an end, rather than it being the middle of my life. I spent much of my 30s caring for my elderly parents while I lived in insecure share houses. I was single for all those years, apart from a couple of brief relationships. My mother died during the pandemic and my father moved cities and is now looked after by one of my siblings. I am terrified of losing him, but he is increasingly frail each time I visit, which I’m not able to do often due to my job.
I still work in a junior role despite my age and I did not manage to maintain friendships as my experience was so different from theirs. I am being bullied at work and I find it heartrending that I spend my days in an environment where this is happening, while not being able to see my father.
I also know that by spending all my emotional resources on the family I grew up in, I have not been able to start one of my own. It is likely that even if I met someone now it would be too late for us to have a child – and, as a heterosexual woman, I feel increasingly disillusioned as I see the terrible outcomes for everyone living in a patriarchy.
I want so much better for myself than what my life currently consists of. I feel too vulnerable to follow the standard advice of getting out there, meeting new people. This seems like it is keeping me isolated, while I cower from the idea of losing my father. Any thoughts you may have would be welcomed.
Eleanor says: It’s just rotten to arrive at an important milestone feeling as though you don’t like your life. It’s hard to say which is more painful – admitting that you hoped it would be different, or admitting that that hope has been disappointed.
You’ve pointed to a lot of domains where it sounds as though you want things to be “further along”. Career, romance, friendships, starting your own family. That’s a big list. There are not many people who, at 40, feel they’ve got everything sorted in these areas, or in the balance of how much life they take up. Everybody feels they’ve fallen behind. When we peer into other people’s lives from the outside they look more together than they feel on the inside.
You also received something in exchange for the sacrifices you made. You took care of your parents, you got to be with your mother when she needed you most; it sounds like you’re close to your family. That can be a blueprint for love and care that a lot of people wish they had – lots of people would trade every success they have for 15 more minutes with a parent.
Those two thoughts might lessen some of the sting you’re feeling. But I know it won’t totally take it away. It’s just hugely painful to know that our one life hasn’t – so far – gone the way we wanted.
Maybe, before we can respond to these disappointments, we have to grieve a bit – to say “well, shit” about where we’ve ended up. It’s scary that life can disappoint us in big ways. It’s so scary that sometimes we feel those thoughts as a background hum but try to push them aside, strategise them away, or stay optimistic because we want the resolve to change things. Maybe it would help to just let it on stage for a specified period of time: “I’m having a horrible time and I’m not where I wanted to be.” Get those feelings out, don’t fight them.
You’re not alone in feeling as though you don’t have the energy to do the things that might help, and I won’t waste your time with tips on getting out there. But maybe a bigger question might help. There are really only two things we can do in response to big disappointments: we can try to change our circumstances, or we can try to change our reactions. Which do you most want?
If you want to change your reactions so life as it is feels better, that recommends one set of strategies. But if what you really want is big changes to your circumstances, you have to be willing to pull some pretty big levers to get there. You’ll need to make big changes to get closer to your dad, or out of this bullying job, or to decide you want a family by such and such a time with or without traditional romance – if those are things you want.
If what you’re saying is you feel bad, the response is to target the feeling. But if what you’re saying is you feel trapped in circumstances that are bad, the response is to change them. It’s important to be clear about the difference: bad feelings can follow you anywhere, no matter how many big levers you pull. Conversely, all the emotional work in the world won’t solve the problem if the problem is just that you want to quit and move.
Neither way of responding is easy, and neither guarantees relief. But picking a strategy to chase can help make life feel like it’s yours again.
The reader’s letter has been edited for length