Dear Annie:
I have struggled with several chronic health issues for over a decade, which often leave me fatigued, in pain or struggling with my memory. Yet because of my age (early 20s), I often get laughed off or dismissed if I bring these up.
It doesn’t come from my family, friends or close co-workers, thankfully. They are all compassionate people who know about my health problems to at least some extent, and they understand that if I say I’m having a rough day, it’s not me complaining. I’m simply being honest and often managing expectations on what I might be able to do that day. And it’s not like I go around proclaiming to the world, “I am the most tired! No one has ever felt pain as I have!” It’s the interactions with people I don’t know well, or often complete strangers who overhear and butt in with, “Oh, you’re absolutely too young to x/y/z! Just wait until you …”
It angers me to the point of being livid. I have chewed people out about not having asked for their opinion and not butting in to conversations they weren’t invited to. I have explained in great detail what I deal with until they are shame-faced and mumbling sheepish apologies. I have argued with people who think that everything I deal with still “isn’t enough” to be tired/in pain/forgetful for my age.
Why can’t someone simply say, “Yeah, today’s a bit rough” and have the people around them empathize instead of judging whether or not they can really claim to be having a bad day? What do I say to the people who laugh me off and say, “Oh, you’re too young to be tired. When you have kids, then you’ll be tired!”? Or the random people who overhear me say I’m not having a good day and decide to give their two cents or genuinely try to scold me for “being dramatic”? I don’t need people to feel sorry for me or try to help “fix” my problems. I just want to be able to say how I’m doing that day without having to divulge my health history or justify my answer.
It’s gotten to the point that I just default to telling even those who I am close to that “I’m great!” when we are out in public or with people I don’t know. I don’t think I should have to lie, especially to the people I care about. Do you have any thoughts on how I can respond to the people who insist that I’m “too young”? — Not Too Young
Dear Not Too Young:
People’s preconceived notions about what you “should” be feeling are not your responsibility. Comments like, “You’re too young to have health problems” stem from ignorance and a lack of understanding.
That said, it’s worth reflecting on what you hope to achieve by sharing your health struggles. Your personal health is private and really only matters to you, your doctors, and your close friends and family. Sharing it widely can invite a range of responses — many of which may not be helpful or supportive.
I’m truly sorry to hear about the health challenges you’re facing and the pain they cause you. At any age, you deserve compassion from others and, most importantly, from yourself.
Remember, sometimes the best response is no response. Put your well-being first, and protect your energy.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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