Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco made headlines today following their engagement news. While the pair have known each other for many years and first collaborated on her album Revival in 2015, they revealed in December last year that they were in a relationship.
Over the years, Gomez has been vocal about her mental health journey, since she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2018. She first publicly announced it in 2020, and then released the documentary My Mind & Me two years later, in which she details her struggles and seeks to destigmatise mental health issues.
Since entering her relationship with Blanco, who has also been vocal about his battle with anxiety, the Rare Beauty founder has spoken about the positive impact he has had on her life, telling Vanity Fair earlier this year that “he’s just been a light. A complete light in my life. He’s my best friend. I love telling him everything.”
Unfortunately, despite the progress in opening up dialogues, policy changes, funding and medical research, nine in 10 people in the UK who have mental health problems say they still experience prejudice and discrimination. This can make personal relationships, in particular, difficult to navigate – whether it’s a result of our own deep-rooted beliefs about our conditions and ability to connect with or be understood by a partner, or partners demonstrating a level of discrimination themselves.
In turn, this can exacerbate mental health problems. Stigma not only impacts confidence, self-esteem and sense of hope, but also can create more difficulties in social relationships and prompt people to neglect or forgo medication or treatment. In some cases it even heightens psychiatric symptoms.
Misconceptions about mental health
There has long been a narrative that those with mental health conditions are a “burden” or “drain” in a relationship – that a symptom of their illness is a toxic relationship. But the reality, as outlined by counsellor Georgina Sturmer, is that many people struggle with their mental health at some point in their life, and the idea that having a mental illness is a prerequisite for a doomed relationship is simply not true.
“Those who don’t have a mental illness might worry that the other person will be unpredictable, or too distant or too needy,” she explains, “when the reality is that there are lots of reasons why someone might behave this way – regardless of whether they have a mental health condition or not.”
Life coach and author Jo Emerson also points out that we cannot choose who we love, and that our capacity to love that person shouldn’t be less because they have a mental health condition. “If you fall for someone who struggles with their mental health then that is the path you now find yourself on,” she says.
If you or a potential partner struggles to place more importance on other qualities and factors, it is likely that it is not the right relationship for you in the first place.
Things to consider when you enter a new relationship
If you have a mental illness or suffer with mental health:
Emerson says that it is important you tell a new partner about your illness as soon as you feel comfortable to do so, so that they are aware of your triggers and stressors, and they can assist you when you are struggling with your mental health. It also gives them opportunity to ask questions and communicate their feelings, concerns and expectations from the offset.
Sturmer agrees, noting that while you may carry personal history when you enter a new relationship – and may have been burnt previously when opening up to a partner – it is best to be upfront about your condition. “Sometimes this means that we want to consider how much to share, and when, about aspects of our health and wellbeing,” she says. “This might include our mental health, or things that impact on our emotional state.”
Sturmer also stresses that it’s useful to think about how your partner’s response might impact you and prepare yourself for different eventualities. “You should also reflect on the questions that the other person might have,” she suggests. “And throughout this process, to make sure that you are looking after yourself.”
If a potential partner has a mental illness or suffers with mental health:
Sturmer says that when a potential partner opens up about their mental health or a mental illness, it is important to be “honest, compassionate and curious.”
Asking them about their illness or condition, and trying to understand their triggers, stressors and needs early on can help you avoid unnecessary hurt for you both down the road, and mean you can support them better if you do decide to enter a relationship. It can also help dispel any preconceived notions you had about their condition, which may have previously held you back or put you off embarking on certain romantic connections.
How to navigate mental illness and relationships
If you have a mental illness or suffer with mental health:
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Communication: If you are suffering with your mental health or symptoms of your condition, it’s advisable that you communicate this with your partner. They can help shoulder some of the load, and provide additional support if they know you are struggling. Consider why you might be struggling and potential ways they can help alleviate some of the strain – whether you need space, help with childcare and housework, don’t feel like going out or you simply want them to listen.
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Seek support: As well as reaching out to your partner, seek support from professionals if you are struggling. It is recommended that you go to your GP and/or speak to a therapist who may be able to provide practical solutions.
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Be open to new ideas: Emerson says that sometimes, being open to suggestions from your partner can really help – and add a new perspective on things.
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Understand your partner may also be struggling: Whether they have their own mental health issues or they are taking on caregiving in the relationship, it’s important to identify when you partner might be struggling too.
If your partner has a mental illness or suffers with mental health:
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Communication: Just as important as your partner opening up to you is you opening up to your partner. If you are struggling or don’t understand their behaviour, it is best to approach the matter head on, in a calm and compassionate way.
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Practice self-care: Whether it’s meeting up with friends or doing solo activities, it’s okay to prioritise your own needs from time to time.
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Seek support: If you are going through a particularly hard period or you are not sure how to help your partner, remember there are services and resources that can help. Mind charity has some great information on navigating relationships – and organisations such as Samaritans and SHOUT have trained volunteers who can help your partner if you feel it goes beyond your knowledge or control. In cases of emergencies, always call 999.
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